What can I offer God in this difficult season?

As God has lead me, I have been open about my health issues and the hard in our lives, as well as the redemption. As I now struggle to digest information about my kids' health, I also struggle with what to share. After much prayer, it is clear to me that God doesn't want me to wait and share only when I feel good. He doesn't want me to hide out until I am a better version of myself. He wants me to be real and share when I struggle too. So, here it is... 

I made it to church today, dragging my aching body. As the worship music began and each word spoke to me, the tears flowed. My kids asked why I was in tears and I told them I was exhausted - body, mind & soul. All of me. That was true, but a greater truth would have been "I am overwhelmed". And the next truth would be "...and that is ok!". I caught myself hiding tears and even running out after the Service, as soon as the last word was spoken, in an effort to avoid sharing my heart and explaining my tears. Although I know it's ok not to be ok, I wasn't ready for anyone else to know I wasn't ok.

As I process things about my health and my childrens' health, my mind and heart are being pushed & pulled. 

What can I offer to God in this difficult space, a season i am still finding footing in? For years now, I have lived each day, seeking His will, serving the chronic illness community and sharing my heart openly even on the hard days.  Now, worn out, emotionally drained and focused on my kids' health while mine gives me a hard time, what can I offer Him? That is the question floating in my mind... 

After a hard week, I tried to praise God but if i'm honest, it wasn't real at first. It took an effort that shouldn't have been, but eventually true heartfelt words of praise came out, admittedly in a whisper.  I felt a strange sense of relief, knowing I could still praise Him while in a season more emotionally painful than I had yet experienced. 

I know this disease - i live with it 24x7. I know what it has stripped me of, things I weeped over for years. I know the fear that comes in waves when things progress. But now, several years later, I also know some of what God has used this illness for and God has given me so much more than this illness has stripped away. That I am certain of. 

When i look at my children possibly having to endure this same disease through the eyes of a mom or a patient living with this rare autoimmune disorder, I feel fear, sadness, anger, heartache and all the emotions we don't want. 

When i look at the situation through the eyes of a woman of God, who has faith in His plans for me AND my children, I feel joy. I simply feel joy, knowing we are walking in His will faithfully and that I can be sure something good will be born from it. I can be sure that the promises in the Bible are true.

Right now, I'm a bit jumbled up in my view, but I know as I take some quiet time over the next few days, God's grace and goodness will take over just as it always has.  

Over the years of dealing with my illness, we have learned to live "normally", whatever that really is, lol. We have learned to lean on God first, and then each other. We are learning how valuable connections with other families in similar circumstances are and how wonderful it is to not feel alone. We have learned to appreciate people that are willing to dive in and be a part of our complicated and hard life. We are learning so much about priorities and love, serving & being served. 

All i've learned and the ways God has grown me during the years since I was diagnosed hasn't gone away... as a matter of fact, I think I feel another spiritual "growth spurt" coming out of this hard circumstance, but not without growing pains. 

So, the answer to "What can I offer God in this difficult season?" is my obedience to His calling and my faith in His promises! That is all I need to offer right now. Obedience and faith. God will know what to do with that! 

It takes a village to raise a child and we are forever thankful to the people in our lives who have shown us such love and compassion and been the hands and feet of Jesus to us. Prayers are appreciated as we continue to learn and live well in challenging circumstances. 

Psalm 23:3-4 

He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

xo,

Linda 

Maybe a hard and messy "normal" isn't so bad!

Sometimes life is just so hard.  Hard. Really hard. There, I said it.

Sometimes I just get tired of being sick. I know many can relate to that! It's simply not what I envisioned for myself and my family. For years I fought against it, resisting a new normal. I never liked that phrase - "new normal".  I suppose that's because I never wanted this type of journey through life to be my normal.  My old normal was just fine. 

I had a great soul baring conversation about this with a dear friend recently.

We talked about our normal. Our messy normal, our hard normal. We cried over  misplaced desires and broken dreams. What was awesome is we cried the big tears that leave you blotchy and puffy and we didn't try to hide from each other. Yep, soul baring indeed! A true gift to be able to be real and be understood. 

Then we did the only thing we could to remedy what was ailing us - we prayed. We were soon laughing together and sharing stories of God's goodness and grace in the midst of this journey we never wanted for ourselves. 

The conversation ended in a strengthened friendship and strengthened faith. 

So, a new normal doesn't have to be about compromised health and the hard in your life. It can be about the best of life - the hope you have, the love you give and receive, the grace you experience. The strengthened relationships and faith...and so much more goodness. 

For several days after that conversation, although my body was quite broken, my soul was recharged. My new normal wasn't so bad afterall. 

So, yes, life is hard. Daily challenges come, but God's grace always shows up.  

How has God revealed His grace and goodness in your new normal?  

 

Chronic illness - pride, isolation...and redemption!

Chronic illness stretches you...stretches you beyond what is physically, emotionally and spiritually bearable on some days, weeks, months or even many years for some. 

I'm going on year 8 myself, navigating life with a rare and progressive Autoimmune Disease (Relapsing Polychondritis) that brought me to my knees. It has challenged me peel back layers to get to "me". Not the me that loved fitness or the me that always had to have the perfect hair or the cleanest house, but ME. The real me. The one God wants to see. Thankfully God isn't looking at my house or my hair because i'm not keeping either of those up very well these days! 

As pride sneaks in, I have been forced to look it square in the eye and, with God's help, get past it if I want our home and family to keep functioning. The friends who bring meals or offer help with the kids etc, are a priceless gift but pride prevented me from accepting that gift for several years. What a loss for me and those who wanted to bless our family in such a tangible way. Thank you Lord, for continuing to strip me of destructive pride!

As pride is slowly being broken down, feelings of isolation and loneliness are being broken down with it.  It's much easier to curl up in a ball of self-pity on the harder days, but that's what the Enemy wants. It's much harder to pick up the phone, call a friend and say "i'm having a hard time.".  Making that call is a powerful step in the right direction and I have found God rewards those efforts.  Many times in the past, friends have offered to come talk and pray with me yet pride kicked in and the messy house or something else so prideful and unimportant was reason enough to say "no". Those "no's" made my pride more solid and lead to so much isolation and loneliness. What a vicious cycle. Thank you Lord, for replacing my feelings of isolation with a desire to connect with people you put in my life on a deeper level. 

Developing a chronic illness seemingly overnight is an adjustment for anyone. A huge adjustment! Life as one knows it is stripped away, but if you allow Him, God will fill you up with so much more than what chronic illness is capable of stripping you of. 

Society teaches us to be strong and independent...but what does the Bible say?

Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Be blessed, friends! 

xo,

Linda 

 

  

Can we Suffer Well?

Wow, it has been one year since I posted a Blog!  I took a step back because God had so much work to do in me. He still does but I realized I will be an ongoing project, being shaped and molded the rest of my life and I'll never feel quite ready to start sharing!  So, I may not be ready but trust God will give me the courage and words. The past year was one that challenged me in ways I never imagined possible as we digested information about my health and the health of our children, became buried in medical bills and tried to find stable footing. It has been painful yet beautiful and now I can't help but share. 

I can speak to a million challenges our family is facing but I can also speak to how tremendously blessed we are. Sounds crazy, right? How can we be so afflicted, yet blessed beyond measure at the same time?

There is one answer! Just one - and it is God's grace. I can face each challenge head on knowing God goes before us and has plans to give us hope and a future!  He has met me and my family with His grace at every turn. We have seen how our Heavenly Father can change our hearts, give us a purpose and use us in all of our brokenness, provide in miraculous ways and He has always given us what we need not just to endure in our circumstances, but to thrive.

As I was seeking to know the Lord more and more this last year, God put things heavily on my heart. Through the Word, I was reminded that not every person is healed physically while here on earth; sometimes that healing comes in other ways - spiritually and emotionally, instead.  With that knowledge, I wanted to learn more about how the afflicted should live while dealing with such pain, frustration and fear. I wanted to know - Can we suffer well? 

God showed me over the last year that, yes, we can suffer well!  He lead me to study the characters of the Bible which made me question why so many of us who suffer today only pray for physical healing, instead of allowing God to work in us and through us, as we walk firmly in His will. I prayed for physical healing everyday for several years and my answer was always "no" or maybe a "not yet". Whatever it was, it wasn't a "yes" with miraculous physical healing. BUT, it was an "I have plans for you. Trust me."  answer. I cried an ocean begging God to heal me so I could serve Him and others. The funny thing is, I am only just now beginning to understand He healed me in a way far more powerful than physical healing and was preparing me to walk in His will all along, to serve Him and others. He woke up my sleeping soul and showed me that a life of purpose does not require a healthy body. He gave me strong faith, courage, showed me fully surrendering to Him would be safe, ignited a desire to serve, made His grace visible, urged me to speak with Him in prayer and so much more.

There is example after example in the Bible that we can follow.

Why shouldn't we have an inquisitive mind about God's role in our suffering, yet remain faithful, like Job? 

Why shouldn't we, despite our many challenges, have a resilient faith in God like Abraham? 

Why shouldn't we have the courage to endure like Moses?

Why shouldn't we fully surrender and be a good and faithful servant like Mary? 

Why shouldn't we find grace in the eyes of the Lord and be righteous like Noah?

Why shouldn't we have a prayer life like Daniel?

Why shouldn't we willingly let God use us like Elijah?

Why shouldn't we reach out to people like Paul?

Why shouldn't we follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit like Phillip? 

The greatest example of all? Jesus! He encompassed all of these characteristics. Through our suffering, we are blessed to be in fellowship with Jesus and His suffering. That was a powerful realization for me and strengthened my relationship with God in an unbelievable way. It lead to me almost embracing suffering until I realized that I didn't need to embrace it to suffer well and live a life in Christ. Even Jesus asked - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

So here I am today, still dealing with very serious health issues, but always strengthened and upheld by our gracious Heavenly Father. I continue to have a strong desire for physical healing for my children and I, and I do pray for that, yet as Jesus said, "not my will, but yours be done."  Living in His will, I will continue to share the message that we can navigate chronic illness and a life in Christ, suffering well because of God's grace and sharing our living hope with others.