The End of The Rope

Have you ever felt at the end of your rope? You know, the day that your child spills fruit punch on your new white couch, that cost of an unexpected car repair when the bank account is already dry, loss of a loved one, or something I know a little about...a new symptom or diagnosis that leaves you barely hanging on to that rope? Maybe it's physical pain or emotional pain that taxes you. There are endless ways we suffer in this thing we call life, but is it true that what really matters is how we respond to the suffering?

Robin Williams' suicide deeply affected me because although I don't suffer from chronic depression ( I suffer from a serious and progressive autoimmune disorder), I do understand it in some way. I understand the feeling of not being able to see beyond pain and fear - of reaching for anything to escape the feelings I didn't want and I say this with a tear in my eye - a life I didn't want. I want everyone, no matter your situation, to be filled with hope and I write this today in honor of Robin Williams and his loved ones.

As a highly independent gal, my symptoms and ultimate diagnosis really sent me to rock bottom. At that time it was hard to imagine the way it would change my life and the life of my husband and children. I was angry. "WHY ME?" I wasn't ready to give up life as I knew it and certainly wasn't open to my life going any other way than the way I had planned it for the last 40 years! I had some fantastic plans for myself, or so I thought.

Sitting home alone 5 years ago, processing what was happening to my body, I just cried. I didn't turn to God initially. Where did I turn for comfort? I turned to my husband. That went great for a while! We hugged, cried, laughed and talked about what was next. It all felt like a dream, very temporary at that time. Symptoms progressed and we soon were lost in an avalanche of doctor's appointments and medical tests that left me heart broken and scared with no answers (and left my husband thinking his wife needed a psychologist!)  It was an intense time that I still have a hard time thinking about, let alone sharing with others.  There were a lot of tears, a lot of arguing and a lot of both of us feeling helpless.

As things progressed, I realized I still had a role - I was a wife and mom. I had two toddlers who needed their mom. A husband who wanted the woman he married.  I began to get angry with God. That is how I first turned to Him - it was in anger. How can this be? You brought me the love of my life, gave me these miracles, two children who need a mother.   Why aren't you letting me be the wife and mom I want to be? WHY ME? 

With no real treatment for my illness and life continuing to move forward all around me, I just decided to keep on keepin' on. It was one day at a time, often one moment at a time. I would do my best to just blend in with the crowd and was always trying to find the next thing to guide me towards some real hope. I was rarely fully present, with the dark cloud of my illness shadowing me constantly.

When I didn't feel I could turn to my husband, I still had some great friends I would turn to and I always felt better after I talked to them. Talking with my friends was a band-aid fix though and we all know band-aids usually fall off. I am so thankful for my family and friends, but I needed more.  I should clarify that I have wonderful friends and a wonderful husband - it was just a very "un-wonderful" situation and time in our lives.   I'm a doer, so I mainly turned to special diets, meditation, guided imagery CD's and actually any alternative practice I could find that had promises of an ounce of hope for taking away my fear or ideally a cure. I remember searching on "Meetups" for any events that focused on healing, hope, health. I went to several and it never felt right. I was searching....searching....searching.  I would have stood on my head and ate bananas upside down if there was any hope in it!

I was raised by fabulous parents and had a great family life, but I was not raised in a Christian household. I was never taught to turn to God, but from a young age, in the privacy of my room, I often did. I didn't know what, when or why...I just knew that's where I would reach for comfort. I knew there was something bigger.

My husband and I decided to find a Christian church in the area and I really wanted to go! At the time, very honestly, I just wanted some peace that if I were to die, that I would get to see my family again. I know that sounds extreme,  but I needed to know that at the time. We began going to church and one day when I went alone, I broke down in tears. The sermon was about suffering and struck a chord with me - it was as if a small layer was peeled off, just enough for the pain to seep through.  I had an opportunity to spend some time with a wonderful woman after service and she too had a chronic illness. She lovingly shared her story with me and made it a point to share the unwavering hope she has because of her faith. We went over what it means to have a relationship with God and right then, we prayed together and I decided to continue a relationship with God, although I didn't fully understand what that meant at the time. I certainly didn't know I had just received the most amazing, perfect and valuable gift.  That was a few years ago and since then, God has continued to open my eyes. It has been a slow process, I guess I wasn't very cooperative in the beginning! This past year when I finally couldn't do it alone any longer, I truly called out to Him and He didn't disappoint.  I now know he mourns with me when I mourn, that He delights in impossibilities and that I don't need to be fearful of my health (or anything!) when I live my life according to His will.

Do I pray for healing? Yes. But I also know that if I pray and healing does not come, it's ok! God will use me and use my situation to encourage others and being able to do that is a blessing in itself.  I know God has the final say, not me. I do believe God can and sometimes does heal people in miraculous ways, but the Bible never says He will heal everyone who comes to Him, even in faith. He always wants what is best for us, but sometimes what's best may be physically and emotional hardships that drive us closer to Him.
 

 God met me at the end of my rope and has helped me climb back up to more than just safety. He took me to some very solid ground where I now live fully and with joy. Do I still have the same illness? Yes. The difference is, God has shown me the beauty of living my life with a purpose, of living my life to fulfill a purpose set out by HIM, not me. What or who do you turn to when you are at the end of your rope?  Did you know Jesus will meet you there?

John 16:24 - You haven't done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.