Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Lost to Chronic Illness

Illness strips a person of so much. 

Many people know what it feels like to lose a week of their life to a cold or the flu. You may miss a few days of work, get behind in housework, miss a week at the gym, feel a bit cranky and tired...then recover. Oh, how I miss that feeling of a normal recovery! 

Then there are the people with chronic illness. The losses multiply. Marriage, parenting and friendships change, hobbies change, careers are lost, financial issues develop, gripping fatigue keeps them in bed and depression can quickly set in. 

I asked some people what their biggest challenge was in dealing with chronic illness. The number one answer was feeling like they lost who they were pre-illness. The happy, energetic, fun, active person. Oh, how that breaks my heart and how I can relate! 

It is true, the person I use to be is gone. Being fully transparent with you all, I can only describe it as a slow death. It took about 5 years for the illness to slowly and painfully strip me of so many things I was clinging to. Looking back, I can barely see or recognize that former person. 

I saw an old photo of me yesterday. Don't laugh,  but it was a photo of me at a time I was heavily into fitness and hanging out with my girlfriends. I planned a pole dancing party for us girls...we drank champagne, learned a pole dance and had some laughs. I remember having a fabulous time. I remember being fit and strong, full of energy. I remember feeling proud of how hard I worked to have those 6 pack abs. I remember feeling like I had it all!  I had my husband, children, career, health, friends and hobbies that I enjoyed. Sounds pretty great, right? 



Then BAM, I developed symptom after symptom and we began the traumatic journey of seeking a diagnosis.  I began to mourn loss after loss that presented itself. I didn't know who I was anymore and that took me to a dark place, yet as a mother to two young children, I had no choice but to press on, to prevent them from being in the shadow of my darkness. Loving them and the responsibility of caring for them kept me going. But, who was I? What did I have to offer when I felt like a shell of my former self? 

I didn't have the answers. I didn't even know who to ask the questions to! I was not raised a Christian and I didn't have a relationship with God at that time. So,  I continued to press on, although miserable and barely making it through the day, physically or emotionally. Once the kids were safely tucked in bed, I could finally cry myself to sleep. 

One day I woke up and just felt like I wanted to go to church. I didn't know why at the time, but I just felt it was where I needed to be. My husband and kids went on that journey with me and they watched as I sat there in tears every week. I barely caught a word of each sermon because I was so caught up in my own world with thoughts of loss and heartache. We went week after week and looking back I know God was working in me that entire time. As for me, I didn't even know why I wanted to go. Perhaps it's because I had heard God can create miracles, He can heal people! Maybe I thought the more I attended church, the more likely I would be to be given a miracle, to be healed!  Oh how silly my thoughts were! It was God all along, planning every step. 

Fast forward to a few years later, a devastating diagnosis, failed treatments and a very broken moment that brought me to my knees. I cried out to God, I wanted to give up. I simply told Him I couldn't handle it anymore and begged Him to help. Something miraculous happened! No, my body wasn't healed...but I woke up the next morning as a new person! I felt differently, I thought differently, I had a pep in my step, an excitement in my voice. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was not physically healed, but I was spiritually and emotionally healed. What a glorious day that was! 


I began to study the Bible intensively, to seek God. I put my focus on Him and Him alone.  I read promises in the Bible that I began to cling to and I started seeking God's will for me. At that point, I knew there was a purpose for all the pain and struggle I had been faced with.  I had a fresh excitement for life!  I was stripped of everything, a blank canvas ready to be made into something new, if I would only allow it. God began to reveal some of His plan and it became a pleasure to live out His will for me! It was not what I planned for my life, but it was what God planned for my life and I still pinch myself sometimes when I see that God is using me in all my brokenness. I ran full steam ahead toward Jesus and began ministering to others who suffer similarly. I had a real purpose! It was no longer about time in the gym, making money, etc....it was about sharing the love and hope I had found in Jesus! 

I had a new identity in Christ and I wanted to know more! After years of caring so much about what people thought and said about me, I wanted to know what God said about me.  I searched the Bible for answers and learned the following:
I am a child of God
I am loved 
I am forgiven 
I work for God
I am meant to bear fruit
I am complete in Jesus 
I have the Holy Spirit in me, guiding me
I am chosen by God
I am fearfully and wonderfully made 
I am a new creation in Christ 
Now that's exciting! 



So, yes it's true the old me is gone. It's true there are days that I long to see her, to be her again, but the God of all grace reminds me of His love for me and in finding my identity in Christ, I can finally fulfill the purpose He set for me. I no longer identify with my appearance, my achievements, the decorations in my life that are always changing.... I identify myself in my Savior, who never changes. 

I thought I lost myself to chronic illness, but I really found myself in Christ. I am truly blessed! 

What part of yourself are you still holding on to? What would happen if you surrendered it to God? What kind of beauty would he make from your ashes? 

xo,
Linda 











13 comments:

  1. "I thought I lost myself to chronic illness, but I really found myself in Christ."
    oh amen & amen, my friend.

    thx so much for sharing your heart & your journey.

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    1. Amen indeed! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment Tanya! It was difficult for me to begin opening up but The Lord really nudged me, lol. I just pray the message reaches whoever needs to hear it because so many struggle similarly. May God bless you!

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  2. Thank you so much for your words....words I have not been able to form or think of how to write about how I feel. It is as if you have written about me. I have not come to that place you are now. I so desperately want to be there. I have been to ill to take the first step. I don't know what it would be if I were able to take it. I will continue to seek God and His wisdom and one day I hope to find this place you speak of....the peace and comfort that can only come from Our Lord. I pray you will continue to write and God's direction in your life. I also pray for your health and your family. God Bless You, Linda!

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    1. Oh how I understand Debbie, but more importantly, God understands how you feel! It took me a long time to get to this place and I still have days I want to crawl under a rock, trust me! It's those days I cling tightest to God's promises, rely on His strength to endure and I am met with His grace. A big must for me is to surround myself with people who understand my situation. I pray you have that fellowship and understanding surrounding you on your journey. I think you are making the perfect first step....seeking Jesus! That's what it is all about. Keep seeking Him, talking to Him and studying the Word. May God bless you abundantly sweet Sister!

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  3. I remember having rheumatoid arthritis really sink it's teeth in me, and I kind of gave up on myself. You feel hopeless for a while. Then God shows up. I guess He was always there, but I was too lost in my grief to notice Him. It's a beautiful thing when He shows up to comfort us!

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  4. That is so true Maria! I often wondered why it took so long for Him to show up, but then I realized He was always there, just like you said. Looking back, I can see what He was doing and now I trust that His plans for me are better than my own plans. I pray your RA is under control and that you are well. :)

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  5. It's difficult to believe that anything good can come from suffering. I think a person has to experience God's process of identity transformation through suffering to fully understand it. Have you read C.S. Lewis's account of Aslan turning Eustace from a dragon to a boy by tearing his scales off in a difficult, painful experience? I often think back to that when I'm in the middle of the difficult process of being molded by Him. I'm so thankful for your transformation and the work God is doing in you!

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    1. Thank you Natalie, I'll have to check put that book! Suffering certainly brings about transformation. It's a challenging process, but the rewards are huge so I truly feel blessed. Thank you again for the book suggestion...looking forward to reading it!

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  6. Perfect reminder for today . . . thank you. I have walked with the Lord my entire journey through life, my faith has been my strength. Diabetes and fibromyalgia try to test that faith every now and then. My faith remains strong, but lately I have been mourning the loss of who I once once instead of making peace with who I am right now. This happens from time to time and God always sends me someone or something to remind me to look for the grace surrounding me . . . thanks for filling that need today.

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  7. Dear Linda, I thank you for this amazing journey you allowed me to walk from the "shallow" you to a deep and generous you you are today filled with Holy Spirit and love to Lord Jesus and to all your neighbors. The transformation is so intense, in tears the whole time.
    Your visits to church before you gave your life to Jesus is like falling in love and the day after is your first love and that is what Lord Jesus wants us to remember, that is your strength, that is what gives you hope and future. Now you are giving it further to so so many who suffer. Hope is keeping us alive and when the hope is Lord Jesus, anything is possible!
    To be honest about all the difficulties that follow with a chronical illness, the financial problems as not the smallest! is very brave today, you let your faith shine through all, you convince us that Lord Jesus is more than what can be bought with money, that there is no obstacle what so ever for believing in Lord Jesus and giving Him the charge!
    Thank you for being yourself, thank you for sharing your first love to Jesus, thank you for honestly telling that you missed the person you were before you were sick. I will pray that many more will read this and find their way to Jesus Christ.
    Blessed be you and your household, go from strength to stremgth in Jesus' Name, Amen.
    Love Irene @tea_irene

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    1. I didn't mention anything about the huge pain that comes along with a chronical illness and I'm sorry. It's real, it's paralyzing, it can take all your willingness away. To have that year after year is really not giving any hope. You showed, Linda, that there is always hope in Jesus Christ. Different to different people. Patience is one of things that disappears at once when you get chronically ill. But Lord Jesus will get it back to you!!
      @tea_irene

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  8. Linda, thank you for sharing a little bit about your journey to Christ! I certainly do no know your own pain, but I do know what it's like to be at the bottom of the barrel. Many times, I hear Christ loudest in those times. Blessings!

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  9. Thanks Linda. God hsd me read this today for a reason. My 90-yr-old mom has been suffering from another back injury. She can't take pain meds due to the side effects and wants to end her life. I've tried to be a help and encouragement to her, but it's tough, really tough. She's pretty negitive right now and there doesnt seem to be any anwer to this. She wants me there, yet almost constantly complains while I'm there. It's very trying...
    You are so encouraging to me seeing you go through all this, yet still you look to God.
    Love ya Sis,
    Pati

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