Somehow, while the beautiful sun was shining all around town (we live in sunny California!), it was a massive storm in our house. My immune system was the storm and there was no escaping it since it calls my body home. It has permanent residence, so I do my best to live in harmony with this wayward guest. It got the best of me recently and I'm sharing that with you today. I decided to be very transparent when I started this blog, so I am taking a deep breath and opening up with y'all!
Many months ago God put some amazing things on my heart. He began using me to serve in ways I never dreamed of and that gave me such much joy. Then the flare up (symptoms in autoimmune illness) that lingered as just a shadow for a while gained some momentum and sidelined me from the projects I was working on. I was dealing with too many symptoms to post here - and besides, I get tired of seeing the list and giving the illness any power. Let's just say the symptoms were enough to keep me on the couch for the past couple of weeks, medicated around the clock. Ugh. I don't like sitting around much and I really don't like medications at all. I guess it what is referred to as a necessary evil in my situation at times. I was sidelined but awake enough to have a busy mind (a weakness of mine!) and unfortunately I was medicated just enough to make my mind weak so thoughts could wander.
What if I get worse? Was the treatment path I chose the wrong one? Will this flare ever end? Will it leave permanent damage? Will my husband stay strong through it? Is this a roadblock from God? Did I do something wrong? Have I not been hearing God in the way I thought I was? OH NO! Is God even listening?
I have not felt an emotional pain like that in a long time. True heartache. I mean, why would God stop me from serving HIM?
I rested...prayed through tears...rested some more...studied His word...prayed and just braced myself through the storm. For those few days, for the first time in months, it was as if the prayers were falling on deaf ears. IS GOD LISTENING?
The physical pain and limitations were enough, but to take my purpose too? I prayed a simple prayer..."God, show me what YOU want me to see." Nothing. Then, "God, take the pain way just so I can pick my kids up at school." Nothing. Then, "God, I don't get it. I am here to serve you. Please allow me to." Nothing. Finally, awake at 4:00am yesterday, I brought out the big guns! "God, I need your help. I TRUST YOU, I will serve you in any way you ask. I will listen. I will obey and I will praise you in all of this." There was not answer shouted back, no blow horns, just a simple feeling in my heart that it was time to reach out to my pastor for guidance. (nbcsj.org) I sent him a very honest e-mail, letting him know what was going on and about my struggles. I received an e-mail back with exactly what I needed. God is so good - He gave me exactly what I needed in that moment. I also felt the need to open up to my husband. In doing so, God gave me even more of what I needed...my husband's total support and encouragement. WOW. Things were looking up.
As the day went on, my thoughts became purposeful and positive. I began to see what a great opportunity this current struggle was for growth, to grow closer to God and to learn more about His grace in suffering. I know longer resisted the suffering, I accepted it. I immersed myself in it actually. I knew it was His plan for me at the time, so it was the perfect plan! I still required heavy pain medication, had no appetite and was exhausted. But, the fear and questions...poof! Gone! HE WAS LISTENING!
I went to bed last night in pain, but only physical pain and you know what? That was totally ok. I woke up this morning in pain and that was totally ok too! I even canceled a doctor's appointment today because I needed one day to NOT focus on my body. I had a wonderful day with my husband. We didn't do anything exciting, but we were excited! We were excited that we survived some difficult days - that were able to turn to God, each other and our Church family. It was as if a big earthqauke just ended and although there are some afterchocks, we are feeling safe in the comfort of God's promises.
When I reflect on the last few days, I see that I kept turning to God even when I didn't think He was listening. But you know what? I'm so thankful that I was able to do that because HE WAS LISTENING...it was me who wasn't. Satan wants us to give up when we don't hear a quick answer, however God rewards our patience and faith. I wasn't listening and I'm a bit ashamed to admit that. Maybe I was afraid of what I would hear. Maybe I was frustrated and acted like a child angry at a parent. I don't really know to be honest.
Here is what I do know -
GOD LISTENS
Isaiah 30:19 He will be very gracious to you at the voice of your cry; when He shall hear it, He will answer you.
GOD ANSWERS IN HIS TIMIMG
Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK!
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
If you are struggling, turn to God. If you don't hear an answer, keep turning to God. If you are angry at God, let Him know. Remember He knows anyway so there is no reason to be anything other than yourself with Him. If you are ready to praise God, do that too! Finally, know that if you turn to God, everything will be OK!
I'll leave you with a poem I came across today called There are Blessings in Everything by Helen Steiner Rice.
Blessings come in many guises
That God alone devises.
And sickness, which we dread so much,
Can bring a very healing touch,
For often on the wings of pain
The peace before we sought in vain
Will come to us with sweet surprise,
For God is merciful and wise...
And through long hours of tribulation
God gives us time for meditation,
And no sickness can be counted loss
That teaches us to bear our cross.
xoxo,
Linda
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