Lost to Chronic Illness

Illness strips a person of so much. 

Many people know what it feels like to lose a week of their life to a cold or the flu. You may miss a few days of work, get behind in housework, miss a week at the gym, feel a bit cranky and tired...then recover. Oh, how I miss that feeling of a normal recovery! 

Then there are the people with chronic illness. The losses multiply. Marriage, parenting and friendships change, hobbies change, careers are lost, financial issues develop, gripping fatigue keeps them in bed and depression can quickly set in. 

I asked some people what their biggest challenge was in dealing with chronic illness. The number one answer was feeling like they lost who they were pre-illness. The happy, energetic, fun, active person. Oh, how that breaks my heart and how I can relate! 

It is true, the person I use to be is gone. Being fully transparent with you all, I can only describe it as a slow death. It took about 5 years for the illness to slowly and painfully strip me of so many things I was clinging to. Looking back, I can barely see or recognize that former person. 

I saw an old photo of me yesterday. Don't laugh,  but it was a photo of me at a time I was heavily into fitness and hanging out with my girlfriends. I planned a pole dancing party for us girls...we drank champagne, learned a pole dance and had some laughs. I remember having a fabulous time. I remember being fit and strong, full of energy. I remember feeling proud of how hard I worked to have those 6 pack abs. I remember feeling like I had it all!  I had my husband, children, career, health, friends and hobbies that I enjoyed. Sounds pretty great, right? 

Then BAM, I developed symptom after symptom and we began the traumatic journey of seeking a diagnosis.  I began to mourn loss after loss that presented itself. I didn't know who I was anymore and that took me to a dark place, yet as a mother to two young children, I had no choice but to press on, to prevent them from being in the shadow of my darkness. Loving them and the responsibility of caring for them kept me going. But, who was I? What did I have to offer when I felt like a shell of my former self? 

I didn't have the answers. I didn't even know who to ask the questions to! I was not raised a Christian and I didn't have a relationship with God at that time. So,  I continued to press on, although miserable and barely making it through the day, physically or emotionally. Once the kids were safely tucked in bed, I could finally cry myself to sleep. 

One day I woke up and just felt like I wanted to go to church. I didn't know why at the time, but I just felt it was where I needed to be. My husband and kids went on that journey with me and they watched as I sat there in tears every week. I barely caught a word of each sermon because I was so caught up in my own world with thoughts of loss and heartache. We went week after week and looking back I know God was working in me that entire time. As for me, I didn't even know why I wanted to go. Perhaps it's because I had heard God can create miracles, He can heal people! Maybe I thought the more I attended church, the more likely I would be to be given a miracle, to be healed!  Oh how silly my thoughts were! It was God all along, planning every step. 

Fast forward to a few years later, a devastating diagnosis, failed treatments and a very broken moment that brought me to my knees. I cried out to God, I wanted to give up. I simply told Him I couldn't handle it anymore and begged Him to help. Something miraculous happened! No, my body wasn't healed...but I woke up the next morning as a new person! I felt differently, I thought differently, I had a pep in my step, an excitement in my voice. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was not physically healed, but I was spiritually and emotionally healed. What a glorious day that was! 

I began to study the Bible intensively, to seek God. I put my focus on Him and Him alone.  I read promises in the Bible that I began to cling to and I started seeking God's will for me. At that point, I knew there was a purpose for all the pain and struggle I had been faced with.  I had a fresh excitement for life!  I was stripped of everything, a blank canvas ready to be made into something new, if I would only allow it. God began to reveal some of His plan and it became a pleasure to live out His will for me! It was not what I planned for my life, but it was what God planned for my life and I still pinch myself sometimes when I see that God is using me in all my brokenness. I ran full steam ahead toward Jesus and began ministering to others who suffer similarly. I had a real purpose! It was no longer about time in the gym, making money, etc....it was about sharing the love and hope I had found in Jesus! 

I had a new identity in Christ and I wanted to know more! After years of caring so much about what people thought and said about me, I wanted to know what God said about me.  I searched the Bible for answers and learned the following:

I am a child of God

I am loved 

I am forgiven 

I work for God

I am meant to bear fruit

I am complete in Jesus 

I have the Holy Spirit in me, guiding me

I am chosen by God

I am fearfully and wonderfully made 

I am a new creation in Christ 

Now that's exciting! 

So, yes it's true the old me is gone. It's true there are days that I long to see her, to be her again, but the God of all grace reminds me of His love for me and in finding my identity in Christ, I can finally fulfill the purpose He set for me. I no longer identify with my appearance, my achievements, the decorations in my life that are always changing.... I identify myself in my Savior, who never changes. 

I thought I lost myself to chronic illness, but I really found myself in Christ. I am truly blessed! 

What part of yourself are you still holding on to? What would happen if you surrendered it to God? What kind of beauty would he make from your ashes? 

xo,

Linda