Navigating Marriage (a Big, Beautiful and Hard word) in Chronic Illness

"It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: Always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under impossible strain." - Ruth Bell Graham

Marriage. A BIG word. A BEAUTIFUL word. A HARD word.

A BIG Word - Marriage is a huge commitment, choosing a partner to love, honor and respect for all of your days. 

A BEAUTIFUL Word - According to the Bible, in marriage, husbands are taught to give sacrificial love and protection. In feeling safe and valued by her husband, the wife should be willing to submit to his leadership. A love and mutual respect is then shared and beautiful fruit comes from this union.

A HARD Word - Marriage is not easy. Add chronic illness and it becomes downright HARD. Statistics say 50% of marriages end in divorce, which is already disheartening. When chronic illness is involved, that statistic climbs to 75-80%. Wow. As a woman with a chronic illness, that is hard to digest.

My story

I've been married almost 10 years and we were blindsided when I developed a devastating chronic illness about 6 years ago.  We were healthy, active, had two precious children, two great careers and a whole lot of love. We thought we had it all!  As I developed more and more symptoms and we started a new journey that included endless doctors appointments, medical test after medical test, a mountain of medical bills, no solid answers and no effective treatment, we were at a loss. We were not equipped to handle such a challenge. I began to need more from my husband - I was physically able, but I was broken. This once independent girl became needy.  I was scared and looking for encouragement and compassion. I wanted my husband, my love, to be the one that made it all go away, the one that loved me into remission. I wanted him to reassure me that everything would be ok....if he couldn't reassure me that my health would be ok, I wanted him to reassure me that our love would be ok. I wanted him to be patient with me as I tried to come to terms with what having this illness meant and when he didn't know how to offer those things, hurt feelings, self-pity, anger, resentment and depression found their way into our marriage.  

Those feelings led to so much heartache and many sleepless and tear filled nights. It was a very lonely and dark time. I remember only talking to one very dear friend about our struggles, because I knew she was on OUR side. She wasn't on "my side", nor "my husband's side". She was a safe person to cry my heart out to.  Looking back, I believe that was part of God protecting our marriage. He knew I wasn't ready to run to Him but He was working in me.  In sending me this lovely and loyal friend to lean on, but still calling me to Him, I was able to hold on, but I still fell into the cycle of self-pity, anger, resentment and ultimately depression. 

Slowly stripped of almost everything, I finally ran to Jesus. I cried out to Him for help.  In that instant, I felt wrapped in the loving arms I so desired. I felt reassured that everything would be ok. How wonderful that felt! But I still wanted that in my marriage. We brought God into our home, into our lives, and things improved but I didn't see the changes I wanted in my husband.  I'm embarrassed to admit that is what I was hoping for, even praying for.  Why can't he just love me like Jesus loves me?! I asked God that over and over and I asked myself that over and over. Even worse, and I cringe as I recall, I asked my husband that same question. 

The Lord kept working in me and I would find myself reading Christian marriage books, coming across Bible based truths on marriage and looking the other way because they caused me to accept the harsh truth that I needed to look in the mirror. It became clear that I needed that mirror to reflect the Word of God. 

During this time I began ministering to chronically ill women and I quickly learned that at least 75% of the women I talked with felt unsupported, scared, misunderstood, hurt and lonely in their marriage. They readily blamed these feelings on their spouse, just as I had been doing.  God really opened my eyes to this attack on marriages and since I had experienced all the same challenges in my own marriage, I understood their heartache. The Lord showed me we were all falling into the trap of thinking we were victims. Victims of our illnesses and victims in our marriage. I began to seek God's truth on this subject and apply them in my marriage. 

It was no longer about "working on my marriage" or "changing my husband", it was about seeking God. I was finally open to looking in the mirror, to taking a good long look at myself. Even in the midst of all my physical pain and symptoms, the Lord was leading me to look at myself, my heart and soul, not my body. 

Looking at oneself is never easy, but I began to ask the following questions: 

What are my needs?

How am I hoping to have those needs met? 

Is it fair to want to depend on my husband? 

How do I react when I feel my husband isn't meeting my needs?

Am I too preoccupied by my own needs to be able to tend to my husband's needs?

Am I giving my husband the respect he deserves?

Have I "become" this illness? 

It is only by the grace of God I was even able to consider these questions, especially while having such a hard time physically. I still carried resentment in my heart for how my husband had handled the situation to that point, but as the Lord lead me to look deeper and deeper into my heart, layers of self-pity, anger, resentment and depression disappeared. I answered those questions with honesty and compared my answers against the truths in the Bible. That was a sad and hopeful day all at once! Sad because I realized I had been doing it all wrong. Hopeful because I realized God would show me the way and I could do it right!

There was a point in which I became fully aware that my needs are met in Christ. My emptiness caused me to seek fulfillment from my husband in a way that was unfair to him. I made changes, many changes, and that finally made room for grace to enter our relationship. I began to love him in a deeper way, to pray for him and his well being. I began to see the struggle my illness and our new normal was causing in him. The Lord was working in both of us! 

What changes did I make? (Disclaimer: I'm still working on a lot of this. It's an ongoing journey!)

I accept our differences

I show him more respect

I developed a wonderful support system so all my needs don't fall on him

I began to focus on things other than the illness (although my body makes that challenging at times!) 

I take interest in what's going on in his life as an individual

I look for good in him (there is so much!) 

I stopped expecting perfection and allowed for mistakes (we are human and all make them)

I stopped the self-pity which had only brought more suffering upon myself

I encourage him on his walk with Christ

I became devoted to him and began to honor him above myself  

Perhaps most importantly, I stopped expecting him to be Jesus!

As I made these changes, something amazing happened. My husband responded! No, there were no bells and whistles or a big overnight change. There was daily growth as I continued to seek the Lord, draw strength and courage from Him and turn to Him for the comfort and peace that only He can provide.  

As my fears subsided, my love for my husband grew! I began to realize love and fear are opposites. Love is self-giving and fear is self-protecting.  I was no longer concerned with protecting myself, I wanted to love my husband, to be the wife God intended me to be even with a chronic illness and all that comes with it. No illness could strip me of my ability to give love. Aha! 

Today we have God at the center of our marriage and although I'll never say it's an easy journey we are on, we are blessed, we are in love and looking forward to being on this journey together.  My body may be failing in many ways, but my heart is full and love abounds! 

If you have a chronic illness and find your marriage is suffering because of it, I encourage you to seek God first and press through the heartache you're feeling.  Begin today by asking God to lead you to hope.  Ask yourself the hard questions and allow God to work in you. Then, be patient because circumstances may not improve in the time frame you expect. It's all in God's perfect timing! 

xo,

Linda