Brittany Maynard: Suicide vs Hope

Many of you have probably heard the story of Brittany Maynard, the 29 year old woman scheduled to take a pill to end her life on November 1st. Brittany has cancer, carrying the devastating prognosis of 6 months. Doctors have shared what she can expect over these 6 months and that image, seeing herself suffering, dependent on others, must have been enough to scare her...push her to what I would call suicude. This hurts my heart. 

Brittany wants to write the ending to a story in which someone else is the author - God. There's always the possibility of a miracle, what if God has a miracle in store for her? Many people can't wrap their head around that...but how about this? Brittany has many months to touch the lives of others, to create memories, to give and receive love.   Today, as I was driving home from the store, I prayed for Brittany. As I prayed, there were tears because I truly feel for this woman and I feel for her loved ones. I feel for them deeply.

You see, I am fortunate and unfortunate enough to understand a small part of what Brittany is feeling. My illness also carries a scary prognosis.  I have much much more than 6 months, God willing, but this time will likely not be without suffering. I choose not to look at what could happen because God only knows the course it will take. Some in my situation have lost their vision, hearing, use of a limb, ability to breath etc. Then of course there is vanity. Will I look different? Will I be in a wheelchair? I could go on and on. Fortunately I have not had to face anything extreme but it does linger out there as a very real possibility with my diagnosis.  I can put my trust in those statistics or I can put my trust in God, the Greatest Physician of all. I do not know if I will be healed physically but I do know I am already healed spiritually and emotionally and God has given me the strength to endure - some days I do more than endure, I thrive! 

It wasn't always this way. In the early days of my symptoms developing, I was terrified. I would wake up to tears and fall asleep to tears. The gut wrenching knot in my stomache was all based on fear. I was afraid of dying, leaving my young children, not having good care, what changes would happen in my body and on and on. I wanted to live SO badly but I almost wanted to die if I couldn't live the way I envisioned. I did not know God then - had I, my thoughts would have been very different.  Like Brittany has said, I wasn't "suicidal". I wanted to live, but if I had to suffer and be a burden those around me, maybe "suicide" was a good thing, better for everyone else and for my pride. Pride - that's a big thing to overcome. Thankfully God spoke to me in those early days. He showed me there would be a way and he led me right to Him, where He now carries my burdens for me. 

What I have learned through my own journey is that God is a God of grace. He meets us where we are at and that especially includes our times of suffering. I have grown more in my relationship with The Lord in the past year than I ever have and that is because of my suffering. Not just that, but I've connected with others all over the world and we've helped each other on this difficult journey. Friendships have blossomed and I don't mean "let's go to the mall" kind of friendships. I mean true spiritual connections, filled with love and understanding. So, yeah, it's tough. Really tough. But it can be glorious too - final days can be filled with love and hope, no matter how many days there are. Brittany is suffering, no doubt, and I would give anything for these words to reach her, because she too can have hope. 

Dear Brittany,

I am sorry for the position you find yourself in. I am sorry for the hurt, pain, fear, diagnosis, all of it. But, I am especially sorry to hear you are choosing to take a pill to end your precious life. I can only imagine what you are feeling, dealing with such personal matters in such a public way especially now that it has gone viral. But, Brittany, I want you to live, to live out the days God has planned for you.  To experience the tender love that can take place in your final days. To know that you are a valuable child of God. I want you to know you don't need to be afraid. God will meet you right where you are at if you ask him to. He can live in you today,  and you can have eternal life through Him.  First, you just need to choose to not end your life on November 1st. Go to your closest Bible based Christian Church. Speak with a pastor - let him share the Word of God with you. Let Him share hope with you! Allow God to stir things in you, to wake up the parts of your soul that your diagnosis has likely put to sleep. It is not too late to change your mind Brittany. People all over the world are praying for exactly that - that you change your mind and live out the final days God is gifting you with. 

With much love,

Linda 🌺

One of those days...

"Tracheitis (inflammation of the trachea) can be very serious...we have to increase the medication at least short term...rest, rest, rest...avoid large crowds...avoid sick people...avoid stress..." 

Sitting in the ER this morning and having this conversation with the doctor, my eyes glazed over a bit. Hearing these things can be daunting! I live on earth so avoiding these things is almost impossible!  That's what I shared with the doctor. His witty response...  "A collapsed airway will change your mind."  Ok, this just got real.

This disease is not "mine"...I don't claim it, take ownership of it or see a future with it.  It is simply something happening to my body right now and it may be slowing me down a bit, but I refuse to become it. Maybe I live in a fantasy land, but God has given me some peace with this disease following me around for a while.  With that being said, it is a very real disease, doing very real and progressive damage to my body, and it requires attention. Too much attention this past year.


ER visits are never fun, but I especially dread it when the Relapsing Polychondritis is flared up.  Most doctors have never seen a case of it and have to quickly research it before deciding what to do. That's a scary thought - me educating the doctor??  When the ER doctor tried to give me a particular pain pill, I had to remind him it interacts with my medication. His response. "Oh, you're right, we should avoid that". Not very comforting for the patient!

Not being able to let my guard down can be downright exhausting, yet also gives me a sense of control that is often lost to autoimmune patients. Afterall, our immune system is kicking our own backside so it's kind of hard to feel in control when that is happening! As a patient, you begin to recognize the flare ups often before they are detectable in bloodwork/imagining, etc.  This time my symptoms were brewing for a while, but the perfectionist in me just wanted to push through. You know, wait just another day before resorting to the heavy hitter medications. Maybe it will pass on it's own. That was a mistake on my part!

I just get tired -  tired of the doctors visits, the decisions about the medications, missing out on many social activities that I love, tired of waiting for remission.

AHA!!  Wait? Why wait? Remission may never come. Well, I certainly like to think it will come and deep in my heart I do feel it will. In the meantime, this is my life, my husband's life, my children's life... and we all need to live it and live it well!

So, increase the prednisone? OK, let's do it.  Rest? Ok, let's do it. Avoid sick people? OK, let's do it.  Avoid stress? Ok, let's do it.Well, I'll try.  Then again, is too much pressure to not stress causing stress in itself?? lol!  That's the life of an autoimmune patient. Those of you walking this same path know why I mean. It's like walking on a tightrope.

The one thing they didn't say is "Trust God".  That's not something you'll likely ever hear in a hospital setting because they aren't allowed to talk about religious beliefs with patients. I am certain it would have felt really great if my doctor said that. Just a simple statement of hope and reassurance.  God is so good though and on my way home, exhausted, I thought I'd make one stop at the grocery store to buy some easy to make things so I could squeeze in more rest without starving my family. To my surprise, I ran into a fabulous friend from church and we chatted for a bit. Now, keep in mind, I go to the grocery store about 5 days/week (sounds crazy, but I love fresh produce!) and have never run into her. AND this wasn't just anybody, this was someone who lives her life for the Lord. I would say that was a divine meeting. When she walks into room, you almost can see light around her. I never hear anything come from her mouth that doesn't feel like it's straight from the Lord. As soon as I saw her, I smiled inside, knowing God has this handled. We chatted a bit and although the conversation was light, it lifted whatever last bit of weight I was carrying from the hospital visit.  Thank you Lord...and thank you Jenny. :)



Getting well involves so much more than doctors, medications, eating clean, etc - it’s a journey. A journey to learn to trust God to heal your spirit, to show you His peace and His healing, however that may come. Sometimes it's spiritual or emotional healing, but not physical healing. We have no way of knowing how, when or why healing will come.

I would love to be in an instant remission, but I'm not and for now I have to accept that.  Although I am home resting, that doesn't mean I can't be productive. The Bible teaches there is a time for rest! Well, I guess God has decided this a time for rest for me. How I use that time is up to me.

This time I'll dig a little deeper. I'll set aside the books about Autoimmune illness, diets, recoveries, miracles, etc. I'm going to dig deep for healing.  Take a look at my pride, sins and fear. I'll break out my Bible, my journal and maybe a cup of tea and let God work in me.

So, that's what Graceful fight is all about.  Do what you have to do to handle the body - fight your illness any way you need to, but do it with God's grace.  So, yeah, I have my veggie juice and smoothies, fish oil, probiotics, medications, doctors, etc...but I also have something bigger: God and His plan.

Next time you find yourself stressing about your illness, take a moment to think about what I've said. Is obsessively trying to heal your body causing you more harm? Stressing you out? Making your head spin? If so, may I suggest you take some time to work on yourself spiritually and emotionally?  Seems to me that is when healing can come, on so many levels.
 
xoxo,
Linda 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5&6

Is God Listening?!?

Wow. What an intense time it has been for me. Wow. 

Somehow, while the beautiful sun was shining all around town (we live in sunny California!), it was a massive storm in our house. My immune system was the storm and there was no escaping it since it calls my body home. It has permanent residence, so I do my best to live in harmony with this wayward guest. It got the best of me recently and I'm sharing that with you today. I decided to be very transparent when I started this blog, so I am taking a deep breath and opening up with y'all!

Many months ago God put some amazing things on my heart. He began using me to serve in ways I never dreamed of and that gave me such much joy. Then the flare up (symptoms in autoimmune illness) that lingered as just a shadow for a while gained some momentum and sidelined me from the projects I was working on. I was dealing with too many symptoms to post here - and besides, I get tired of seeing the list and giving the illness any power. Let's just say the symptoms were enough to keep me on the couch for the past couple of weeks, medicated around the clock. Ugh. I don't like sitting around much and I really don't like medications at all. I guess it what is referred to as a necessary evil in my situation at times. I was sidelined but awake enough to have a busy mind (a weakness of mine!) and unfortunately I was medicated just enough to make my mind weak so thoughts could wander.

What if I get worse? Was the treatment path I chose the wrong one? Will this flare ever end? Will it leave permanent damage? Will my husband stay strong through it? Is this a roadblock from God? Did I do something wrong? Have I not been hearing God in the way I thought I was? OH NO! Is God even listening?

I have not felt an emotional pain like that in a long time.  True heartache. I mean, why would God stop me from serving HIM?

I rested...prayed through tears...rested some more...studied His word...prayed and just braced myself through the storm.  For those few days, for the first time in months, it was as if the prayers were falling on deaf ears. IS GOD LISTENING?

The physical pain and limitations were enough, but to take my purpose too? I prayed a simple prayer..."God, show me what YOU want me to see." Nothing. Then, "God, take the pain way just so I can pick my kids up at school." Nothing. Then, "God, I don't get it. I am here to serve you. Please allow me to." Nothing. Finally, awake at 4:00am yesterday, I brought out the big guns! "God, I need your help. I TRUST YOU, I will serve you in any way you ask. I will listen. I will obey and I will praise you in all of this."  There was not answer shouted back, no blow horns, just a simple feeling in my heart that it was time to reach out to my pastor for guidance. (nbcsj.org) I sent him a very honest e-mail, letting him know what was going on and about my struggles. I received an e-mail back with exactly what I needed. God is so good - He gave me exactly what I needed in that moment. I also felt the need to open up to my husband. In doing so, God gave me even more of what I needed...my husband's total support and encouragement. WOW. Things were looking up.

As the day went on, my thoughts became purposeful and positive. I began to see what a great opportunity this current struggle was for growth, to grow closer to God and to learn more about His grace in suffering.  I know longer resisted the suffering, I accepted it. I immersed myself in it actually. I knew it was His plan for me at the time, so it was the perfect plan!  I still required heavy pain medication, had no appetite and was exhausted. But, the fear and questions...poof! Gone! HE WAS LISTENING!

I went to bed last night in pain, but only physical pain and you know what? That was totally ok. I woke up this morning in pain and that was totally ok too! I even canceled a doctor's appointment today because I needed one day to NOT focus on my body. I had a wonderful day with my husband. We didn't do anything exciting, but we were excited! We were excited that we survived some difficult days - that were able to turn to God, each other and our Church family. It was as if a big earthqauke just ended and although there are some afterchocks, we are feeling safe in the comfort of God's promises. 

When I reflect on the last few days, I see that I kept turning to God even when I didn't think He was listening.  But you know what? I'm so thankful that I was able to do that because HE WAS LISTENING...it was me who wasn't. Satan wants us to give up when we don't hear a quick answer, however God rewards our patience and faith. I wasn't listening and I'm a bit ashamed to admit that. Maybe I was afraid of what I would hear. Maybe I was frustrated and acted like a child angry at a parent. I don't really know to be honest. 

Here is what I do know - 

GOD LISTENS
Isaiah 30:19 He will be very gracious to you at the voice of your cry; when He shall hear it, He will answer you.

GOD ANSWERS IN HIS TIMIMG
Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK!
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

If you are struggling, turn to God.  If you don't hear an answer, keep turning to God. If you are angry at God, let Him know. Remember He knows anyway so there is no reason to be anything other than yourself with Him.  If you are ready to praise God, do that too! Finally, know that if you turn to God, everything will be OK!

I'll leave you with a poem I came across today called There are Blessings in Everything by Helen Steiner Rice.


Blessings come in many guises
That God alone devises.
And sickness, which we dread so much,
Can bring a very healing touch,
For often on the wings of pain
The peace before we sought in vain
Will come to us with sweet surprise,
For God is merciful and wise...
And through long hours of tribulation
God gives us time for meditation,
And no sickness can be counted loss
That teaches us to bear our cross.

 xoxo,
Linda

A Life Changing Emergency Kit (and post stem cell update!)

There are so many types of Emergency Kits.  If you've watched the news recently, you've likely heard frantic people talking about Earthquake Survival Kits. If you have children in school, you've probably sent an Emergency Pack for your child and have a First Aid Kit at home.  If you drive a car, I'm sure there's a spare tire hidden somewhere.  Even something as small as damaged eyeglasses are often prepared for with an Eyeglass Repair Kit stashed in a drawer.

But what about preparing for the all too common waves that are guaranteed to crash in the ocean of life at some point? Illness, loss of a job, death of a loved one...just to name a few.

I know a little something about this! When the waves of illness came crashing down on my life 5 years ago I was not prepared. I had a fantastic childhood, a great family & great friends and a rewarding career. Even having everything desirable according to society standards, I was not prepared for what came my way. Although I was able to offer an outward smile, many days were tainted by the internal struggles that led to night time tears. I never learned how to cope. There I was, in the biggest storm of my life, and no Emergency Kit. There was nothing I could cling to treat the fear in my heart and no bandaids for the hopelessness that ate away at my soul.  I relied heavily on my own strength, trying to awaken the "good attitude" I always had. It was isolating and exhausting.

I'm sure my ego preferred I avoid the vulnerability it took to call on God, to reach out to family and friends.  I chose a path that has taken more courage and humility to look honestly at myself. To make changes to my behavior and allow for change.

After several years of walking a tightrope and barely hanging on, I thought this can't possibly be my life now! There has to be something more.

I made many changes in my life over the last few years. The biggest change is I began going to church and eventually developed a relationship with God. That answered the question about "something more" for me and has forever changed the course of my life in the most miraculous way. I also invested more into relationships with people, making true connections. I started writing in a Gratitude Journal even on the days I took me hours to find something I felt thankful for.  I also got down to the basic foundation of modifying sleeping and eating habits. I grew tired of all the traditional doctors,tests and medicine so I found natural therapies such as Acupuncture to help during the more stressful time.  Little did I know I was building my very own Emergency Kit! One that would come in handy over and over. It is an Emotional/Coping Emergency Kit of sorts.  It's what I have clinged to for more than just survival, it has brought me to a life of joy again.

It is also more practically, what has kept me in a really good state of mind during a really terrible week!  After months of excitement building up to my Stem Cell treatment and experiencing a fabulous week of normalcy after the procedure, BAM! A Relapsing Polychondritis flare. A flare in this disease can mean many things, but for me right now, it means painful joints, muscles and tendons from head to toe, spine and neck pain leading to a headache, neurological symptoms such as twitches and more pain, loss of appetite, eye pain and inflamed, blistered cartilage in the ears. OUCH. That may all sound terrible and it certainly is, but thanks to my Emergency Kit, it's doable. Imagine adding a complete broken heart, lonliness, fear, insecurities and defeat!  In the past, those feelings would have been added to my already tough list of symptoms and consumed me.  I'm thankful that I have my Kit and that I've learned how to manage this illness in a way that allows me to enjoy life even on the worst days and I mainly just feel affected physically.  I'd be lying if I said I am never afraid. I feel the fire of fear often actually, but I have learned how to put out the flames quickly.

I was pretty emotional when I arrived at the doctor's office yesterday. I was in a lot of pain and the inflammation in my ears reminded me of a scary movie, worsening right before my eyes. I was disappointed in myself for feeling emotional, which made it a vicious cycle. I prayed and asked God for help, instinctively I asked Him to help me be okay with whatever His plan was. A peace quickly washed over me and we got down to business.

My doctor had a guest doctor visiting from Portland, a well respected Chinese Medicine Doctor/Naturopath so I was very fortunate. They both agreed I was in a flare that needed to be managed but that treating it naturally was ideal to allow the Stem Cells to keep working in the proper environment. They explained that the very cells that will be helping me are causing the flare. As long as we can control the flare, it's actually a GOOD thing. The cells are stimulating my immune system (although too much) and they'll soon learn their mistake and begin modulating my system. It's training ground for them in a sense and more common than not in treating Autoimmune Disease. He treated me with acupuncture yesterday and suggested that I rest for a few days in an effort to calm my system and avoid increasing any pharmaceutical drugs. My doctor said it will be a "saw toothed" approach with me. That means expected ups and downs as we work toward our goal, but at least with my Emergency Kit, the ups and downs should mainly be physical which is far more tolerable to me (and my family, lol!).  He expects if all things go well, my system will begin to regulate (partially) about 2-6 months post stem cells, so I have a ways to go! Since I'll be repeating the procedure one to two more times, it will be a long road but i'm ready! Well, maybe it's time to develop more patience - I could certainly add that to my Kit!

Are you prepared for the storms that will come in your life? You are far more likely to experience pain, loss and fear than experience a natural disaster so if you've taken care to prepare for the next Earthquake or broken eyeglasses, maybe it's time to evaluate how ready you are for anything else life can throw at you.

What's in your Emotional/Coping Emergency Kit?

The End of The Rope

Have you ever felt at the end of your rope? You know, the day that your child spills fruit punch on your new white couch, that cost of an unexpected car repair when the bank account is already dry, loss of a loved one, or something I know a little about...a new symptom or diagnosis that leaves you barely hanging on to that rope? Maybe it's physical pain or emotional pain that taxes you. There are endless ways we suffer in this thing we call life, but is it true that what really matters is how we respond to the suffering?

Robin Williams' suicide deeply affected me because although I don't suffer from chronic depression ( I suffer from a serious and progressive autoimmune disorder), I do understand it in some way. I understand the feeling of not being able to see beyond pain and fear - of reaching for anything to escape the feelings I didn't want and I say this with a tear in my eye - a life I didn't want. I want everyone, no matter your situation, to be filled with hope and I write this today in honor of Robin Williams and his loved ones.

As a highly independent gal, my symptoms and ultimate diagnosis really sent me to rock bottom. At that time it was hard to imagine the way it would change my life and the life of my husband and children. I was angry. "WHY ME?" I wasn't ready to give up life as I knew it and certainly wasn't open to my life going any other way than the way I had planned it for the last 40 years! I had some fantastic plans for myself, or so I thought.

Sitting home alone 5 years ago, processing what was happening to my body, I just cried. I didn't turn to God initially. Where did I turn for comfort? I turned to my husband. That went great for a while! We hugged, cried, laughed and talked about what was next. It all felt like a dream, very temporary at that time. Symptoms progressed and we soon were lost in an avalanche of doctor's appointments and medical tests that left me heart broken and scared with no answers (and left my husband thinking his wife needed a psychologist!)  It was an intense time that I still have a hard time thinking about, let alone sharing with others.  There were a lot of tears, a lot of arguing and a lot of both of us feeling helpless.

As things progressed, I realized I still had a role - I was a wife and mom. I had two toddlers who needed their mom. A husband who wanted the woman he married.  I began to get angry with God. That is how I first turned to Him - it was in anger. How can this be? You brought me the love of my life, gave me these miracles, two children who need a mother.   Why aren't you letting me be the wife and mom I want to be? WHY ME? 

With no real treatment for my illness and life continuing to move forward all around me, I just decided to keep on keepin' on. It was one day at a time, often one moment at a time. I would do my best to just blend in with the crowd and was always trying to find the next thing to guide me towards some real hope. I was rarely fully present, with the dark cloud of my illness shadowing me constantly.

When I didn't feel I could turn to my husband, I still had some great friends I would turn to and I always felt better after I talked to them. Talking with my friends was a band-aid fix though and we all know band-aids usually fall off. I am so thankful for my family and friends, but I needed more.  I should clarify that I have wonderful friends and a wonderful husband - it was just a very "un-wonderful" situation and time in our lives.   I'm a doer, so I mainly turned to special diets, meditation, guided imagery CD's and actually any alternative practice I could find that had promises of an ounce of hope for taking away my fear or ideally a cure. I remember searching on "Meetups" for any events that focused on healing, hope, health. I went to several and it never felt right. I was searching....searching....searching.  I would have stood on my head and ate bananas upside down if there was any hope in it!

I was raised by fabulous parents and had a great family life, but I was not raised in a Christian household. I was never taught to turn to God, but from a young age, in the privacy of my room, I often did. I didn't know what, when or why...I just knew that's where I would reach for comfort. I knew there was something bigger.

My husband and I decided to find a Christian church in the area and I really wanted to go! At the time, very honestly, I just wanted some peace that if I were to die, that I would get to see my family again. I know that sounds extreme,  but I needed to know that at the time. We began going to church and one day when I went alone, I broke down in tears. The sermon was about suffering and struck a chord with me - it was as if a small layer was peeled off, just enough for the pain to seep through.  I had an opportunity to spend some time with a wonderful woman after service and she too had a chronic illness. She lovingly shared her story with me and made it a point to share the unwavering hope she has because of her faith. We went over what it means to have a relationship with God and right then, we prayed together and I decided to continue a relationship with God, although I didn't fully understand what that meant at the time. I certainly didn't know I had just received the most amazing, perfect and valuable gift.  That was a few years ago and since then, God has continued to open my eyes. It has been a slow process, I guess I wasn't very cooperative in the beginning! This past year when I finally couldn't do it alone any longer, I truly called out to Him and He didn't disappoint.  I now know he mourns with me when I mourn, that He delights in impossibilities and that I don't need to be fearful of my health (or anything!) when I live my life according to His will.

Do I pray for healing? Yes. But I also know that if I pray and healing does not come, it's ok! God will use me and use my situation to encourage others and being able to do that is a blessing in itself.  I know God has the final say, not me. I do believe God can and sometimes does heal people in miraculous ways, but the Bible never says He will heal everyone who comes to Him, even in faith. He always wants what is best for us, but sometimes what's best may be physically and emotional hardships that drive us closer to Him.
 

 God met me at the end of my rope and has helped me climb back up to more than just safety. He took me to some very solid ground where I now live fully and with joy. Do I still have the same illness? Yes. The difference is, God has shown me the beauty of living my life with a purpose, of living my life to fulfill a purpose set out by HIM, not me. What or who do you turn to when you are at the end of your rope?  Did you know Jesus will meet you there?

John 16:24 - You haven't done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.

195 millions stem cells...and some tears!

I was in the waiting room (Playfully called the Red Room and I'm guessing that has to do with the big red recliners in there!) after the liposuction part of the process, sitting back and peacefully soaking it all in while my husband dozed off next to me. There was alot to soak in after anticipating this day for months! Well, I wasn't literally sitting back because the doctor chose my backside for the liposuction. Ouch! The doctor peeked in with wider eyes than I had seen him express in the past and said he had an important picture I should capture. Without putting any thought into it, I followed him and his sweet nurse Sarah, back to the room. He showed me a piece of equipment, not much bigger than an iPad, and told me to take a picture of it. Then he had me zoom in on the numbers and take that picture as well.

I should mention my doctor is incredible at what he does and he is one of the kindest and most compassionate doctors I've worked with. He is also very gentle and soft spoken and I would not expect him to show a huge outward sign of excitement other than a kind smile, but definitely no cartwheels! After taking some photos, the conversation went something like this...

Doctor: "Linda, you produced 195 million stem cells!"  (That is in 50cc of fat)
Me: "Great!" (having no idea what that actually meant)
Doctor:  "That's a very good result!"
Me: "That's wonderful." (still not comprehending the significance)
Nurse: "That is amazing. Really fantastic!"
Me: "What do you mean? That's good? How so? What numbers do you normally see? I'm not sure I understand." I think that came out in one big blundered sentence because my thoughts were moving faster than my mouth could catch up to. I knew something amazing was happening...
Nurse: Putting her hands on my shoulders and looking directly in my eyes, "Linda, this is incredible. Really incredible. I am so happy for you." All through her tears. Lots of tears. It welled up inside me as well and the tears flowed. It was a pretty powerful moment that I will never forget.

They began to explain the numbers in more detail and I learned 195 million is the highest count they have ever seen, by millions. Sometimes they only see 20 million as a matter of fact. The significance is all those cells have a job to do in my body in upcoming weeks/months so I see it like this:  If you have a big job/project to complete, do you want the help of a small crew or a large crew? BINGO, a large crew! Well, I had those pure little cells all put back into my body via an IV to do a job  -  modulate my immune system. I am happy to announce I now have a very large crew of stem cells floating around and hopefully finding their targets over the next few months.

I found myself wondering, was it the daily wheatgrass shot? Did that make a difference? Afterall, I am anemic and have trouble producing enough red blood cells which could be a problem. Or, perhaps cutting out gluten really did help. That may make my diet worth it because I sure do miss my gluten! Then, could it be my age? That's a nice thought. Maybe being over 40 isn't so old afterall. My mind has been in a pretty good place so I wondered,  Hmmm...maybe the mind does have something to do with all this. Then I remembered the high dose vitamin C IV I received the day before. That could surely be it!  The doctor gave me the facts on my numbers but he couldn't put a finger on why mine were so high. "A combination of things" was his take.

I went back to the "Red Room" and my husband was still sleeping. I was processing what just happened while fixing my make up in the mirror (note to self, wear waterproof mascara on days like this), when the nurse walked back in and just hugged me, again through tears. She couldn't believe the numbers and being the weepy gals we were, my husband woke up and got the news. My very non weepy hubby was weepy by then as well. The nurse left and we prayed, thanking God. YES! We thanked God. We didn't thank the vitamin C or the wheatgrass, my age or my mind, we thanked GOD.

I laughed at myself for a moment, realizing I was looking at the wrong things to credit! Sure, that's all good stuff and I love what the wheatrgrass etc does for my body, but I have reached a point in my medical care where not a single decision is made by me without thoughtful prayer. Let me tell you, when dealing with chronic health issues and so many decisions on a daily basis, that thoughtful prayer has been such a blessing. It hasn't just been my prayers, especially lately. I am so appreciative of all my prayer warriors out there - those prayers are being heard!

God has been and is guiding my steps. Sooooo, if that wheatgrass had anything to do with it, well, God gets credit for it.  If the Vitamin C had anything to do with it, God worked that out too. As a matter of fact, I was suppose to receive an ozone treatment (oxygen) the day before but the doctor decided to do vitamin C instead.  He had very specific reasons for that change and I quickly prayed about it and agreed with the plan wholeheartedly. God gets credit for that too!

So, what do I credit for that stem cell army my body produced? I simply credit God because that was part of His plan.  I am hopeful for healing, but I am even more confident that God's plans will come to fruition no matter what. So, now we wait and see, continue to pray and seek God's guidance as we monitor results over the next few months...and, yes, I will continue the other parts of my care such as daily wheatgrass shots, as long as I feel God is guiding those steps as well.

Who is guiding your steps? It doesn't have to take something as serious as my situation to reach out and ask God for help. He is always there...waiting for you to call His name. The next time you find yourself saying "Thank God!" about anything, notice WHO you thanked. I've never heard anyone say "Thank Wheatgrass!". 

xoxo,
Linda

The Scoop on my Stem Cell Treatment and How I REALLY Feel About it...(It's in 4 days - eeek!)

Stem Cell treatments are changing the face of medicine!

This is an area I have thoroughly researched and some of the stories of healing are remarkable!  I am hearing many of the same questions as my procedure date approaches, so I thought I'd answer the common questions. I love talking with y'all so if anyone wants to learn more about anything mentioned here, you can comment on this page or message me privately.

If this is too much medical/technical reading, skip it all...and get to "How I REALLY feel about all of this". :)

What is Stem Cell Therapy?
Stem cell therapy is a strategy that introduces new adult stem cells into damaged tissue in order to treat disease or injury. Many medical researchers believe that stem cell treatments have the potential to change the face of human disease - it's very exciting research! The ability of stem cells to self-renew offers potential for generation of tissues that can potentially replace diseases and damaged areas in the body. Since your own stem cells are used, there is no chance of rejection. Did you know that stem cells can turn into any tissue they find that is damaged? (Ie - cartilage, muscle, etc)

How Can it Help Autoimmune Disease?
The stem cells harvested from a patient have the potential to replace countless cells of the body. These cells may heal the body in many ways but the goal in autoimmune disease (my situation) is to produce a healthy immune system response by regenerating healthy new cells that modulate the overactive immune system.

What is the Difference Between Stem Cell Therapy and a Stem Cell Transplant?
In an nutshell...
 - The "transplant" involves wiping out the faulty immune system with intensive chemotherapy and receiving donor stem cells, to rebuild a brand new immune system. Many risks with this one!
 - The "therapy" involves no chemotherapy! Liposuction is done to remove your own stem cells, they are harvested, then returned to your body intravenously. Minimal risk with this one!
There is MUCH more detail that I can share on this so please message me if you have interest personally.

How have I been preparing medically? 
I will be receiving Stem Cell Therapy, the more mild one. This includes a 4 week program of a special diet, vitamins, herbs etc based on my bodies specific needs. The day before the procedure I will have ozone therapy which is when pure oxygen is given to me intravenously. This not only lessens the burden on the body by killing the bacteria, viruses and other pathogens, but also oxygenates the tissues and increases circulation. Those valuable little stem cells need to be able to get to the right places to do their job!

What will the procedure be like?
My husband and I will be in San Francisco the day before for another ozone treatment which is similar to dialysis in a medical office. It's great time to chat with others going through the same thing and I really enjoy hearing their stories. We will stay the night in San Francisco (Thank you God, for my amazing parents that are coming to town to keep my little ones happy for the night!), and my procedure us at 9:00am Thursday morning. I will be awake for the procedure  - eeek!  The doctor will numb an area on my body  to do liposuction (Nope, I don't get to choose the area - lol!). Some fatty tissue will be removed, put in a harvesting machine to separate the stem cells and purify them, then they will be re-introduced to my body intravenously. Exciting stuff!  The procedure takes about 5 hours.  The main goal in my situation is for the cells to modulate my overactive immune system. I will need to do this procedure 3 times over the next 9 months.

How do I REALLY feel about all this? 
If I was asked that 6 months ago, I would have been a nervous wreck, feeling like the procedure was "my last hope". What a funny statement that is to me now! My hope is not in this procedure, my hope is in GOD!
He has lead me down a path lately that has given me more joy than being healthy ever did so I see now that I will be OK no matter what happens with the procedure. Sure, I want it to be the solution - of course I do!
I just know God's plans are way better than mine, so I trust the outcome will be what it is suppose to be. That sure takes some pressure off of me and being a worrier/planner/"type-A" personality, I can't even put into words how much that has changed my life. My relationship with God has given me:
 - Strength in my weakest moments
 - Freedom from worries
 - Confidence in my future
 - Comfort in my pain, both physical and emotional
 - A purpose
 - HOPE and so much more!
So, here's how I really feel about it:
 - Hopeful that it will be the answer for my physical healing
 - Thankful that this procedure is available to me and that we raised enough money to pay for the first one.
 - Thankful that I don't have to worry about the procedure, because God has it in His hands, including the outcome
 - Thankful that I can accept the pain and see God in the situation
 - Thankful that God's desires are now my desires
 - Thankful that God is allowing me to use this situation for good and leading me every step of the way!

In summary, I am excited about the procedure and very hopeful about what it can do for my health. I just get to sit back a little now and see what's in store since worrying is not on my plate anymore. :)

I'm looking forward to getting through this process over the next couple of weeks and getting back to living! God has given me a new childlike wonder that I wouldn't trade for anything! Many exciting things are in the works. For starters, we are launching a Christ-Centered Support Group for Women with Chronic Illnesses very soon so if you are in the Bay Area and know someone who can benefit from this, feel free to put them in contact with me! I am very excited that these meetings will be held at my church (http://www.nbcsj.org). The meetings won't start until a bit later in the year (dates TBD), but if you don't have a church home, come on by and say hi before then!

HOPE is available to everyone, no matter the situation. It's just sitting on your doorstep, waiting for you to reach for it! I know I'm holding onto mine with a very tight grip! :)

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake 
you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8

Thank you for being a part of my journey! Updates about the procedure will be posted here as well as on the FB page. Maybe even a video of some of the procedure so check back next week. Eeeek!

For all you prayer warriors out there, your prayers mean alot to me so thank you!
xoxo,
Linda